My Greatest Love.

Posted on November 26, 2014. Filed under: My Lemon Recipes |

Have you every had a feeling something was not quite right in your world? Well, I am presently going through that and discovered why this afternoon.

I struggle sometimes with my ghosts/boogeymen/demons.  I am far from perfect, but I strive to be better.   Lately, I’d had the feeling that I was being mistreated.  I started digging into the matter to understand why I had those feelings.   Things got ugly.   I made some accusations.   Two days later,  I started second guessing and reached out to apologize for my reaction to that matter.  When asked if I meant those accusations,  I couldn’t give an answer because I was still sorting things in my head.

Why?  I recalled an incident some 15 years ago.   Could that be the culprit?   A misunderstanding derailed what I thought was an unshakeable love.  The love is still there, but the connection is a blip on the screen.  I looked for the similarities, but still came up short.  I knew I lashed out instead of responding, now to find the trigger, the smoking gun.  How do I face someone after such a unprecedented wrong?

While love covers a multitude or wrongs, it does not mean you stay when you’re not fully welcome.  I began to mourn because I had no complete answer, and I faced the loss of someone that had every right to walk away.

For me, I was met with grace, favor not earned.  I learned that for some time, I had been experiencing mild memory loss.  I learned that my dialogue was pushing people away.  I learned that my words and expressions of comfort had given way to hurt.  I learned that in spite of my behavior, they were stalwart, telling me over and over I was loved.

Then it all came together.  The shock was immediate.

The root of my pain was deeper than I realized.  I lost half of my heart and did not mourn.  I learned a nasty new habit of pushing people I love away before I got hurt, symbolic of how I pushed half my heart away. I was recreating my loss.

I tease my mother all the time about her being a professional mourner.  She goes to funerals and pretty much books her appearances.   Mourning does have its place.  It is a healing process.   It is a fare thee well to a treasured energy.  It is a recalibration of the familiar world.  I had existed for 11 years and not said a proper good-bye.  I forgot.

Tonight, I will wail and mourn.  I will say thank you.  I will be grateful for the lessons and love. I will stop reliving this Groundhog’s Day, repeating the process of pushing away people I love out of fear. I will patch my broken heart.  I will use my light to honor my bestie, my confidant,  my homey.

On the 11th anniversary of that day in hospice, I will forgive myself for telling my father to die.

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